Not much going on...

There really hasn't been much going on lately...well, at least nothing terribly light hearted, which is what I wanted this blog to be all about.

I had a doctor's appointment mid-august with follow-up tests/ultrasound that confirmed that I have PCOS and I am definitely not ovulating.  My thyroid is also out of whack and although I have been on medication for a while, the dosage is off.  Thankfully, I am seeing a new doctor who has taken my concerns more seriously.  Unfortunately, she thinks that trying Clomid for 6 months is the way to go.  I start the treatment today.

So, if I go off the deep end, just remind me it's the hormones. 

You see, I did a round of Clomid around Christmas last year and it really sent me into a downward spiral.  There was a lot going on at the time...Paul had just moved offices and his company had to change their name, we were knee deep in the renovation, a round of layoffs at work left me reeling, and just about everyone but me was pregnant.  Couple that with a history of depression with the Clomid and the results were not pretty.  Eventually, I realized what was going on and was able to get help.  Needless to say, I didn't continue with the Clomid and have not had a baby.  I wanted to wait until I was more stable and able to handle things in a constructive way, the complex emotions that seem to come with infertility.

I was bound and determined that this would not affect my friendships, my relationship with my niece and nephew, my marriage. But, it was.  so salvaging my life (and sanity) became way more important than getting pregnant.

Fast forward...

A few things have changed since the spring when I found myself in the pit of depression.  The most important of which is my outlook on life.  Praise God!  And the Zoloft helps too :-)  Paul's work is going really well and we are really excited about the upcoming year.  I love being an Aunt to all the new babies in my life.  I am enjoying work.  And the renovation is well behind us and we love our new house.  So now it's time to seriously pursue a family. 

I am so thankful for the peace that God has given me about this.  I am open to whatever His plans may be, and I know they are good plans and better than anything I could ever design for myself.  One day a while back, when I was angry at God because I had not gotten pregnant, He so gently reminded me of a time when my life fell apart and my worst nightmare became an all too painful reality.  With hindsight, i now know that God's plans for me were good, very good.  better than anything i could have dreamed up for myself.  He truly gave me the desire of my heart in my marriage to Paul...a marriage that is centered on Christ, a ministry and calling for us both.

This struggle with wanting a baby is no different.  I won't even try to guess what the future holds for Paul and I on this front...I just know that when the time is right everything will fall into place...whether it's a pregnancy, adoption, or being satisfied with being Aunt Becky and Uncle Paul.