Another Big Baby, Another C-Section???

This past week we had our 36 week ultrasound to measure Matthew's size / weight.  I have been measuring big (belly wise) for a while, by about 2-3 weeks bigger than my due date would suggest so my dr ordered an ultrasound to verify if it is Matthew that is on the big side, or if it is just a result of me being bigger when all of this started.

I just figured it was me, as I haven't really gained that much weight and I did start this journey 50-60 lbs overweight.

Well, guess what folks???  We have a BIG baby!  At 36 weeks he is weighing in at 8 lbs!  Yikes!

Needless to say, we were quite shocked.  Lindgren babies tend to be long and wiry with little squish.  Baird babies on the other hand, well, are just downright squishy!  So, I guess Paul get's his wish...Matthew should be one squishy baby.

Noah Lee Lindgren, hours old

Abigail Natalie Baird, newborn photo

I wish I had a better picture of Noah as a newborn...he is just hours old in this picture...and as you can see, weighing in a little over 6 lbs he is long and wirey.  Abby on the other hand weighed in at a little over 9 lbs and has LOTS of squish!

After talking to my mom and my sister-in-law, we have decided to schedule a C-section for January 17th (he'll be 39 weeks).  Of course, he could decide to make his debut sooner.  Which would be quite fine with me.  I seem to have hit a wall in the past few days.  

In the meantime, I took the week off to get some things finished in the nursery...pics to follow!

Baird Family Christmas

Paul, Mom, Dad and I traveled to Fort Mill, South Carolina, to spend Christmas with Whit, Erin and Abby.  We had a fabulous time!  It was great to get to spend time with Abby on her turf!  We hope that Christmas in Fort Mill becomes a family tradition!

Christmas Eve

Abby getting ready for Baby Matthew!

 

Mom and Abs having a little chit chat!

Going to see Santa!

Waiting for Santa to pass by!

What a cutie!

Paul and Whit putting the slide together!

Christmas Morning

Santa made quite the visit!

Abby's new slide!

and the stockings were hung...

Opening presents with Daddy!

Abby LOVED the slide!  

Abby loves Elmo!

Time for a workout!  Paul and Pops
opening their month pass to the Y!

Dad with his little buddy.

Family Portrait

 

The boys relaxing on Christmas afternoon.

Lots going on

There has been a lot going on this Christmas season...it all started with a trip to North Louisiana to visit my sweet Granny B and will end this weekend with a trip to Charlotte to spend Christmas with Whit, Erin and Abby.

In between we have celebrated the Lindgren Thanksgiving (always a big to do)...a couple of baby showers...a trip to New Orleans...a massive work deadline...childbirth and breastfeeding classes...Christy's birthday...

I am so ready for a nice relaxing weekend of just hanging out at Whit and Erin's.  Good food and good company and a few new traditions for the families.

Matthew is doing well. I finally gained some weight, but everything is going just fine.  Last week, my feet decided that they would start swelling.  It was miserable.  To try and combat the swelling, I have stayed far far away from salt, fast food, processed food and I am trying to drink as much water as possible.  By the beginning of this week they seem to be back to a reasonable size (still a couple shoe sizes larger than pre-pregnancy, but better than not being able to put shoes on at all!)

We have an ultrasound next Wednesday to find out how big he is and if he is head down and all of that.  We'll finally talk "Birth Preferences" with our OB.  I can't say I have my heart set on his birth being one way or another...I just want him to be healthy, however it needs to happen.

On a somber note, my dear Granny B passed away two weeks ago.  She is missed dearly but I am so joyful knowing that she is finally with Jesus, knowing that her body has been restored, that she knows Matthew, and that she has been reunited with her dear husband.  She has been waiting for many many long years for this.  (please forgive me if any of my theology on this is off...just my thoughts on where she is now...someday I'll know how accurate I am about this...)  Now that she is gone, I feel so much closer to her than I have in years.  As her memory and health failed, her ability to travel and communicate suffered, leaving me very lonely for her companionship.  We were always so close.  When I was a little girl she and BB (my grandfather, Bob Baird) would take care of me on the weekends that mom and dad had to work.  Once we moved to Alabama, I would spend several weeks every summer at her house and she would come and stay with us for extended periods of time at Christmas and when mom did her Martha Pullen schools.  I usually slept with her until I was in high school (and she started snoring).  Christmas mornings were always so sweet.  We would lie awake early early waiting to hear mom and dad stir...only then could we get dressed and go downstairs to see what Santa had brought.  I am at peace knowing she is watching over us in Heaven.

We found out that Matthew's new cousin is a girl!  We can't wait to meet John and Melinda's baby girl sometime in April!

Baby Shower on Sunday, December 4th

Hilary was home for an early Christmas with her family!
Baby Girl Lilja is due in February!

The shower was absolutely fantastic!  Thank you to everyone who
helped make it happen and shared the day with us!

A few pictures from the Duhon Family Christmas on Sunday, December 18th.

 

Uncle Mel always has a money jar...whoever guesses the closest to
the actual amount in the jar gets to keep it!

Dirty Santa gifts waiting for their time...

Nothing better than a big pot of yummy gumbo!

Everyone rooting for the Saints!

Sisters!

The Pinata is an annual favorite for all!

Let's discover the true meaning of Christmas

Paul and I drove to Louisiana this weekend to visit with my father's mother, Granny B.  On Saturday, we had a nice visit...it had been too long since I had seen her last.

Granny B and I on my wedding day.  Isn't she pretty!

You see, Granny B and I have always been close.  Very close.  When I was little, I would spend weeks with her in Louisiana and she would come to Alabama and spend weeks with us as well.  I have so many great memories:  snuggling with her on Christmas morning waiting for mom and dad to wake up.  "helping" her in the garden and getting bit by the ferocious north Louisiana mosquitoes.  encouraging one another in our faith in Jesus.  being so aggravated by her stubbornness, yet knowing that she's where I get if from!  And many many more.  She is an integral part of who I am today and I am so thankful for her love and guidance.

The flip side is that Haynesville is a 10 hour drive from Huntsville.  Hating the interstate and loving country back roads, Paul and I wandered our way to Little Rock and stayed there for two nights, driving down to Haynesville on Saturday.  As you can imagine, we had a lot of quiet time to ourselves on the drive over and back!

One of our conversations centered around Christmas and what we would like Christmas to be like for our family.  You see, each year I get more and more disturbed by the commercial and material emphasis that corporate America has attached to Christmas. And its stressful...this pressure to give the perfect gift to EACH AND EVERY family member.  I mean, really???  And each year it seems my reaction gets stronger...this year I am ready to boycott all gift giving entirely and ask that my family do the same.  There are so many compelling reasons for this:  Money is tight.  Do we really need the latest doodad?  There are those less fortunate out there that could really use the money from that latest doodad to fund a real need.  Purchasing the latest doodad is the easy way out.  With little thought and minimal effort, I have a gift to give and can check you off my list.  However, my thoughts and my time are more precious than anything else I have and by giving you my thoughts and my time, regardless of the end result, you will experience my true love for you.

Paul and I have talked about this before Matthew was even a thought and we always seem to come to the same conclusion.  Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Saviour.  Christmas is about creating family traditions. Spending time with those we love most.  Giving to those less fortunate.  Going to mass on Christmas eve.  Lighting the advent wreath each night.  Decorating the tree with ornaments made by family through the years.  Trekking through the neighborhoods to see the Christmas lights!  Letting your loved ones KNOW they are loved through your actions.  Going to a local Christmas concert.  Making ornaments.  Leaving the Christmas tree up through Epiphany, when the three kings visited baby Jesus. Taking a family vacation. Making peppermint bark to share.  Volunteering at a local charity. Baking croissants on Christmas morning.

Some of these things we already do and some we'll add as the years go on...but the main thing is this...love.  And let it spread beyond December 25 throughout the whole year.  Money and material possessions can bring some fleeting happiness but Love! Love is eternal. Love conquers all.

Child's Play

I have to be honest, by the time Paul and I got married, I had moved beyond a desire for children.  When I moved back to the states I discovered a career that totally consumed me.  Paul and I were having a great time and I couldn't imagine introducing something into the mix that was going to get in the way of my new found fun.  You see, I didn't have much fun in my 20s.  The things people do in college and right after college, I didn't get to do until my 30s.  This was all my choice, but still, I didn't have your typical college / 20s experience.  So I found myself turning 30, with new found freedom, a great paycheck and having a lot of fun, honestly, adding kids to the mix just didn't sound too appealing.

It wasn't until my friend Katie and I were talking one day and she described having kids in a way that piqued my interest...she told me that having a child was like getting to work on the most amazing creative project that was always changing...and this project was going to last forever.  Well, now that sounds a little more interesting than what I had been imagining.

Shortly thereafter, an amazing thing happened...I got a life.  Outside of my job.  I am not quite sure how it happened, but it seemed to happen the year that I decided to do an olympic distance triathlon.  I had this project...swim bike run (a lot) while raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  It took quite a bit of work, all this training and fundraising.  And at the same time I discovered that I love to grow things.  All of a sudden, my job didn't come home with me anymore.  It didn't keep me up at night.  I didn't obsess about every little detail.  Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE what I do and I work hard. There has simply been a shift and a new interest in other things.  Balance, I'd like to think.  This is about when we started thinking that it was time to grow our family.

Today, here I am, 30 weeks pregnant, expecting baby Matthew in January.  And for me, this adventures seems to go back to Katie and her comparison of raising children to a great life long creative project.  How exciting! Along those lines I have found a few great blogs out there that are great inspiration but this one is my favorite.

http://playathomemom3.blogspot.com/

It's all about creating meaningful play places for children.  This absolutely captivates me.  It was actually the topic of my senior year design thesis. And now,  I can't wait to give Matthew his own little corner of the world to learn and create his own places and experiences!

26 week appointment

Things are going well! Matthew's heartbeat is strong. I passed the glucose 1 hour test...by ONE point! Yay! I don't have to endure the three hour test! Thank goodness!

I still haven't gained any weight, and as a result the doctor asked if i have been eating, which led to an explanation that i have reflux so bad that eatIng has become quite painful, so i tend not to eat much. I haven't been able to sleep because of this either. I was starting to wonder how i was going to get through the next few months. Thankfully my doctor prescribed pepcid and wow!!! The difference has been immediate! I actually enjoyed dinner the past two nights!

My iron is low and i read today that calcium inhibits the absorption of iron...and guess what, i have been taking my vitamins every night chased with a big glass of milk! Hopefully a good steak and laying off the milk will get my iron where it needs to be :-)

Matthew is moving all of the time now which is lots of fun! I have also learned that I LOVE people touching my belly...but funny enough, most people are too shy to be so bold, so feel free next time you see me and if the mood strikes!

encouragement for those who hope

I just ran across this blog post and it really struck a chord. Unfortunately, i too am perpetuating the myth...that once we quit trying and decided to pursue adoption, i turn up pregnant.

For couples trying to conceive, being told that once they give up and pursue adoption THEN they'll finally get pregnant, well, it is hurtful. Being told that they just need to relax only stresses them out more. I know that these comments are well meaning and meant to encourage, but please, take my word for it, it hurts. The best thing you can do for your friend struggling with infertility is to listen and offer them your prayers. The solutions aren't easy and the journey is unique for every couple.

We have a name!

Robert Matthew Lindgren

Robert is my grandfather's, father's and brother's first name.  Seemed fitting to continue the tradition.

Matthew means "Gift of God".

Keeping in the Baird tradition, we will call him Matthew.

It's a Boy!

 It's official!  It's a boy!  Erin did a great job photographing the event and you can see her pictures here: http://threebairds.blogspot.com/2011/09/its-nephew.html 

The pictures below were taken with Paul's cell phone :-)

The cake was amazing!  A huge thank you to Bob, my mother's hairdresser who did a fabulous job!

We saved the top tier for baby's first birthday!

Abby was just adorable in her little monogrammed t-shirt!  She has gotten much better at eating cake since her first birthday :-)  I was hoping for a good cake face picture, but no such luck!

18 Week Ultrasound

You know, there just might be a real live little person in there!  I don't know if its normal or if its due to the long road it took to get here, but during the days leading up to the next big appointment I start to fret about the welfare of the baby.  Crazy thoughts...that I won't even try to articulate here.  And amazingly, each time, there is this sweet little baby growing in my belly that is doing just fine.  We even got a little wave today!  Praise God!

The tech was able to figure out if it's a boy or girl and we managed not to see...so with the secret safely tucked away in a sealed envelope, it was given to the baker for the cake on September 10th.  When we cut the cake we'll all find out together!  Can't wait!

Aren't those the cutest little feet?

Here's the wave!  "Hi Mom, Dad and LB!"

Since we have both a neice (my side) and nephew (paul's side) we have an idea of what kind of babies our families produce. Paul has been hoping for a "squishy" baby like Abby. (Sorry Abby, if you are reading this someday, you were most definitely the cutest squishiest baby ever!) Noah on the other hand was an absolute doll with long wirey legs...nothing squishy about him!  And those look like Lindgren legs if I have ever seen them!

Profile.

First Ultrasound

As I was cleaning up my posts...I found this one unpublished from a few months ago...

Thursday morning Paul and my mom joined me for Baby's first ultrasound.  Turns out I am only 6 weeks pregnant.  I think that makes the due date the end of January. Dr. Harper says everything looks good.  We are cautiously hopeful that this baby will make it! But, I am still not out of the woods regarding a miscarriage and will have another ultrasound next week to keep checking that Baby is ok.

In the meantime, so much seems to have changed.  Foods I used to love, I can't stand the thought of.  Foods I would never consider having in my house are now a staple.  If it weren't for fruit smoothies seeming to keep my tummy happy, my diet would be most unhealthy!  All I want to do is sleep.  But then I can't sleep at night.  My dreams are insane.  I can't really remember most of them, but they are downright weird.  I cry at the drop of a hat - anything sentimental sends me over the edge. And Paul and I are now sleeping in separate rooms.  I toss and turn all night and have been keeping him from getting a good night's sleep so he decided one night last weekend to sleep in the guest bedroom.  I think he feels bad about how well he slept...every night around bedtime he carefully asks if its ok to sleep in the guest bedroom for another night.  And yes, it is just fine.  It keeps me from worrying about my tossing and turning and multiple trips to the bathroom.  And all of this is just fine...it reminds me that I am actually in fact pregnant.

Tonight I am going to try eating fish...we'll see how it goes.  I did have a salad last night and seemed to be able to keep it down.

Sassy Water

My dear friend Heather brought me a pitcher of anti-nausea water...and what great timing.  I try and not take my zofran EVERY day and today being a Sunday I decided it would be fine to be lazy and stay home if and when the nausea set in.  Thanks to the sassy water it has stayed away!

This water tastes amazing...fresh, cool, healthy and calming.  I asked her for the recipe and here it is!  I think I'll be keeping a pitcher of this in my fridge from now on :-)

---

As I mentioned, my doc recommended this to help fight nausea. More recently it's popped up as an aid for people trying to improve diet and drink more water (you can find it repurposed online as sassy water.)


For the batch I brought:

@3 quart pitcher almost full of water

1 lemon, sliced
6 cucumber slices
2 peppermint "tea" bags (no tea in it, just dried peppermint) or a handful of fresh peppermint leaves
1 chunk of ginger, peeled and thinly sliced or 1 heaping tbsp grated (harder to strain grated)

Drop all the above in the water, cover, and stash in the fridge overnight to steep. Strain it, and drink it!

NPR's Baby Project

Paul sent me this link to NPR's Baby Project...a blog following a group of diverse women and their pregnancies. The stories and insights are fascinating and remind me of the long journey we travelled to get to this point and that many women and couples are still dealing with the devastation of infertility.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/babyproject/

No news is good news

I generally have a policy about my online activity...if I don't have anything nice to say, just keep quiet.  So, it has been real quiet around here.

That said, Baby is doing great!  Mom, not so much :-)  My litany of complaints goes on and on and on.

First off, the morning sickness that was supposed to subside by now, is getting worse and worse.  I cannot live without my zofran.  This, in turn, causes another problem, but I think I have figured out how to manage THAT particular side effect with daily doses of dried prunes, citrucel and fiber cereal.  joy.

Today, I decided that after a week of zofran I would try and live without it for a measly 24 hours.  No such luck.  Lunch came right back up.

Earlier this week, I came down with a lovely bout of bronchitis.  It started in my lungs, moved through my throat, nose, sinuses and now out my ears!  But, yay!  Today I don't feel like someone has inflated a balloon in my respiratory system :-)

Last week, at my 14 week appointment, I failed the glucose tolerance test so will have to go back for the 3 hour test.  Should be fun fun fun!  As a result, I finally owned up to the fact that we really should stop eating mac and cheese every night for dinner.  So, this weekend I plan to cook on Sunday for the whole week.  I'll post the menu and results. 

The cravings are so interesting...they change week to week.  I have consumed things that I never would have considered in my normal state of being...barbecue stuffed baked potatoes, chicken nuggets and fries, fried chicken sandwich, chic-fil-a anything, grilled cheese sandwiches, and lima beans are just a few.  The crazy thing, is despite this binge of junk food, I haven't gained any weight.  Week 15 and I haven't gained any weight????  Is this normal????  I have gained LOTS of inches.  Just no lbs?  Hopefully this is just fine as I started out significantly overweight. 

I am starting to feel movement or flutters.  I am a 100% it's baby wriggling around but it's fun to think so! 

We have cleaned out the baby's room (formerly my study) and I am really looking forward to finding out if it's a boy or girl so we can start decorating.  We find out with family on September 10.  Stay tuned!  I am ready to start calling baby by his or her name. If it's a girl we have a name picked out...if it's a boy we are 90% settled on a name.  We shall see.

Have a great weekend!

14 weeks

Nothing terribly exciting on the baby front...everthing is moving right along.  I definitely have a pooch :-)  Which Paul just LOVES to remind me of every two seconds.

I have finally given in and started taking Zofran on a pretty regular basis.  It is quite the miracle drug.  The nauseau that has kept me on the sofa and in bed for much of the last few months just disappears.  Amazing.

We started cleaning out my study this past weekend - it will be the baby's room. As usual, Paul and I had our standard meltdown that always happens when we work together. We both end up yelling at the other "if you would just do what I tell you there wouldn't be a problem!!!" as you can imagine, we rarely work together on the house :-)

I have an OB appointment this week. The main thing they will be checking for is gestational diabetes, which I am at a high risk for due to the PCOS.

In the meantime...14 weeks and counting!

Is it a boy or is it a girl?

Well, we'll have to wait a while to find out but we have decided to do a cupcake party so everyone finds out at the same time!

In the meantime, people have asked if I have a gut feeling one way or another.

Well, I do, actually.  But not because of anything physical.

Many years ago, when life as I knew it ended in Spain, one of the things I mourned the most was the loss of hope for a family.  I had no idea what God has planned for me and came to the brutal realization that I might never be a wife or a mother.  Trusting that God is good, I came to terms with this. 

Shortly therafter, I was praying one day and had a vision of a little boy (my little boy) playing catch with my father at the ball fields near my parents house (the same ball fields we went to growing up).  The image was so strong, but at the time completely crazy.  The vision suggested that two things would happen: one, that I would move back to Huntsville and two, meet a nice southern boy and settle down in Huntsville.  At the time, those two things were just not on my radar and not at all part of my plan :-)  Thankfully God knows what's best for me and a few months later, I found myself celebrating New Year's with Paul in Huntsville, Alabama.  Crazy.  A few years later we are married and completely settled in Huntsville Alabama.  Even more crazy!

Fast forward.  Baby's due date is January 24th.  The day after my father's birthday. 

One way or another we'll find out in a few months.  We are just happy that Baby is healthy and growing and hope for continued health throughout the pregnancy. 

ps - so glad the news is out and I can write about this again!!!  thanks for joining me on the journey!

I am so blessed to have you in my life.

This post is for everyone who has supported us through this crazy journey. 

So many have reached out to me and offered prayer, encouragement and hope.  I can't tell you how much your kindness means to me. 

Thank you for your prayers.  God is faithful.

Thank you for your encouragment, it kept me going.

Thank you for speaking truth into my life at a time when I couldn't believe.

Thank you for being God's love to me at a time when I couldn't fathom His love.

Thank you for letting me disappear and deal with the grief and being there when I finally surfaced.

Thank you for your hope, when I had none.

The Lord bless you and keep you!
The Lord let His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!
The Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace!
-- Numbers 6:24-26

Craziest Update Ever

May 21

Last night, as I was cooking dinner and enjoying a glass (or two) of champagne, I suddenly became so tired I couldn't continue.  I excused myself, told Paul to do whatever he wanted with the food and went to bed.  When I woke up the next morning I decided to take a pregnancy test just to make sure. positive. strong positive. not like before...where it was just a faint line. wow.  When I told Paul he looked at me like I was crazy.

I left a message with the fertility specialist so i can go in tomorrow to verify that my hormone levels are where they need to be. craziness.

May 28

The blood work this week came back very good. Numbers were "beautiful" according to the nurse at Dr. Harper's office. 24 hours later they were still looking good. So far no bleeding or major pain...i have officially made it longer than ever before. The last pregnancy (that i know of) ended around today.

My sweet co-worker, Jennifer, gave a great blessing today as we were talking. She said she had a strong image of a guardian angel covering me with protection. Funny, that's how i have felt this whole time...

On the flip side, we are trying not to get too excited. At the end of the day, this baby is God's creation and only He knows the what lies ahead.

In the meantime, i am trying not to consume my weight in french fries!

June 1

Had blood work again today...and it was "Beautiful!" according to the sweet nurse at Dr. Harper's office. First ultrasound next Thursday! There just might be a baby in there :-)

June 15

Today was the best birthday ever. I had a second ultrasound and baby's development is right o track! We even got to SEE the tiny heartbeat fluttering at 146 beats per minute. One more ultrasound and Dr. Harper will discharge me to my regular ob! Not quite out of the woods yet but getting close. Praise God for this little life wreaking havoc on my sleep and appetite!


June 28
 
First OB appointment and last ultrasound for a while.  I have been spoiled getting to see Baby every week :-)  Everything is looking good and I am starting to feel a little better.  Official due date is January 24.

Dex Puppy

I am so happy to report that Dex is doing fantastic!!!  He is more or less walking on his own, his tail is wagging and he HATES being locked up in his crate. 

He has a nasty incision down starting midway down his back.  The stitches come out next week and his hair is starting to grow back. 

He has also learned that whining might just get him out of the crate.  I haven't yet been able to differentiate between the "Mom, I have to pee!" whine and the "Mom, get me out of here whine!"  Or maybe he just learned that the "Mom, I have to pee!" whine generally works, regardless so he'll try anything to get out!

Paul has been a fantastic caregiver through this whole process.  He has taken on 90% of all of Dex's pre and post op care making sure that doctor's orders are followed.  He's going to make a great Dad someday!

What to do with the super ripe fruit that came in this weeks veg box???

2 orders of grow alabama peaches
Juice of 1/2 lemon
Some milk (maybe 1, or 2cups)

Wash peaches
Cut up into blender
Liquify
Add lemon and milk

I am trying to go no sugar these days...my pcos has led to some insulin resistance and sugar generally makes me feel really bad)

Freeze in an ice cream maker

It came out a little tart so I'll probably add a little splenda to the next batch! The next batch will be made with one canteloupe and a banana...

Enjoy!

Sweet Puppies

This past week has been crazy - both dogs have gone to the vet unexpectedly. 

Last Thursday night, Reggie had a seizure.  At first we didn't know what was going on, I thought he was going into a toxic shock from something he consumed.  So, we rushed him to the emergency vet clinic (in our pj's :-) and the vets there were great.  By the time we got to the clinic, he was a little freaked out but able to walk and obey simple commands.  We found out that at labs at Reggie's age can develop epilepsy.  So, we decided to wait until the morning to take him in for a full checkup at our regular vet.  Unfortunately, Dr. Patton couldn't do the blood work until today, but we were confident he was getting back to normal and we kept a close eye on him over the weekend.  By Sunday, Reggie was back to his normal happy sun loving self.

Then, yesterday, Dex started acting really weird.  We initially dismissed it, but by mid-day it was clear something was wrong.  He had problems with steps and refused to jump up on the sofa to snuggle.  I called my sister-in-law, Erin, the family vet to find out if we needed to rush him to the emergency clinic or if it could wait until the morning when our regular clinic opened.  We came to the conclusion that since he was still able to walk we could wait until the morning.

By the time we went to bed, it was clear he was getting worse.  We gave him lots of love and mimos and Reggie wouldn't leave his side (normally they don't sleep together).  We got him to the vet first thing this morning.  Apparently his vertebrate / discs are collapsing / slipping / fusing.  I am not exactly sure of the terminology.  He is staying overnight at the vet tonight and probably tomorrow night.  He has been given steroids shots to help heal the discs as well as painkillers to help manage the pain.  We'll know in the next 48 hours whether or not he'll need surgery. 

Reggie is quite upset that Dex didn't come home with him from the vet this afternoon.  He keeps wandering around the house looking for him. 

Hope

The last few weeks have been rough.  But I must say I am in a much better place now and ready for whatever the future holds.  I couldn't say that two weeks ago.

When we decided a month ago to not continue with the fertility treatments, it was initially a relief.  But then something happened and i fell into a deep pit of despair.  I felt like I felt when I returned to the US several years ago.  I couldn't go to church without completely falling apart.  I was a basket case during my bible study...especially the lesson about how much God loves us.  When Paul wanted to talk about adoption, I simply cut him off and told him I wasn't ready to talk about it.  You see, I had allowed my mind to be filled with lies.

Thoughts like "How can you call yourself a woman when you can't do the main thing that God designed you to do."  "Your family must be so disappointed."  "Your family won't love you if can't provide an heir."  and on and on and on.  The shame and accusation that I was allowing to permeate my thoughts held me in complete bondage.

Not able to make any progress I called Karin.  Karin is my therapist and an amazingly intelligent and insightful woman.  I have been seeing her since I was a teenager and she has helped me through so many different situations.  If you ever need a good therapist, call me.  She is amazing.

With Karin, I was thankfully able to process.

This actually all started the day that my brother called to tell me he and Erin were having sweet little Abby.  Then I found out that Christy was pregnant with Noah.  Hilary with Finn.  on and on...  I had similar thoughts that to me seemed insane.  So I just didn't think about them.  I said to myself, "That's crazy." and tried not to think about it. 

In retrospect, what I should have said was, "LIES!  THAT IS NOT TRUE!"  Somewhere along the way I allowed myself to believe the lie that because I have not gotten pregnant and had a child, that I am less of a woman, that my family is disappointed with me, and that God doesn't love me and is punishing me for my sins.  So month after month of trying to get pregnant became more about proving those accusations wrong than the desire to have to children.

The breakthrough came during a bible study lesson on Spiritual Warfare (I am taking part in a bible study program called "First Place for Health".  Click on the link if you'd like more info.)  The beginning of the lesson asked us to identify any strongholds at work in our life.  I initially scoffed at the idea that strongholds were at work in my life.  The list included things like depression (check), anger (check), insecurity (check), fear (check), shame (check).  I was shocked and relieved to discover that maybe I didn't have to live in this pit any longer.

Later in the lesson, I was lead to this verse from 1 Peter 5:

⁸ Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. ¹⁰And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 

WOW!  What an amazing promise.  This was the truth I needed to replace the lies.  

Huntsville Utilities Update

Huntsville Utilities At 4 p.m., TVA dispatch requested Huntsville Utilities hold any additional electric load until further notice.
Huntsville Utilities urges customers to PLEASE practice conservation measures. These would include, but are not limited to:

Air Conditioning

Air Conditioning is a major drain on electricity. Please plan your use along the following:

• Turn the thermostat to between 78 to 80 degrees. The higher the better as far as energy used.
• Use of the air conditioner in the morning is less of a pull on the system.
• During the peak hours, between 3-7 p.m., please limit use of air conditioners and raise the thermostat.
Keep use of all unnecessary electronic appliances during the peak hours to a minimum.

Water

Please continue to conserve water.

Do not:
• Water your lawn
• Wash your car
• Use water recreationally.

We are requesting that home and business owners please turn off their lawn sprinkler systems. When their power is/was restored this was probably forgotten. This a major drain on the water system and unnecessary with rain in the forecast.
PLEASE NOTE: As more and more customers are restored there will be confusion as to why “my neighbor has power and I don’t.” Your neighbor may be on a different line or there may still be trouble somewhere along the line such as a downed tree or pole. Please be patient as we work through these system repairs. We will respond as soon as possible. You may report your outage to 256-535-1200 if you have not already done so.

Once again, Huntsville Utilities would like to thank it’s customers for their patience and understanding in this crisis situation. We are eager to restore power to all of our customers. We will continue to provide updates on the restoration effort as available.

The end of Part One

Part One of starting a family has come to its conclusion. After several years of dealing with infertility and over a year of different treatments that have taken their toll it is time to move on.

During church on Sunday we both got quite emotional and had to leave shortly after communion. As we walked to the car we both agreed that it just didn't make sense to invest more time and money in something that may never work. At the end of the day God is in charge, not the fertility specialist and we can align the stars over and over again, but ultimately God decides when life is created, not technology, not me, not Paul, only Him.

I am not sure exactly what happens next.

We are still coming to terms with our decision to end the fertility treatments. Month after month of waiting, hoping, praying, dreaming... Month after month i have cried for the child that we will never know.

I know with everything in me that God has a family for us...I just don't know exactly what that looks like. One thing is to get pregnant and start a family. The path is simple and set in motion from the moment of conception. With adoption there are so many paths with many different outcomes...I am confident that God will show us our path.

Abby's first birthday!

So last weekend, I made the long haul to Charlotte, NC to celebrate Abby's first birthday with Erin, Whit, mom and dad.  We had a blast!  Scroll down to see the pics of Abby's cake face - too cute!

Abby's First Birthday!

Chicken Soup

In my previous post I talked about chicken soup for the soul...well, here's my chicken stock recipe that fills the house with the most amazing smell and fills my heart with joy at the simple things in life.

This is a recipe I have been tweaking for the last couple of years and the results are fantastic.


Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.

Take the carcass of a chicken you have previously grilled, baked, boiled, whatever and put it into a stock pot. I keep the pasta insert in the stockpot so that I can easily separate the solids from the stock. I throw in whatever vegetables I have sitting around that need to get used...onion, garlic greens, peppers, carrots, anything goes.

I sometimes add a bottle of beer to this concoction, if I have one laying around.

Bake at 400 for about an hour.  This gives the stock a dark rich color and flavor.

After an hour, move the stockpot to the stove and fill with water. Bring the contents to a rolling boil and then simmer for another hour.

If you know that you will have use for the stock in the next week, remove the solids and store in the fridge. You'll be able to remove the fat easily once cooled. I have found though that this recipe just doesn't produce that much fat...most of it was removed in the initial cooking.

If you aren't so sure you'll be able to use it up, bring the stock back to a rolling boil and allow it to reduce to a thick syrupy consistency. I freeze them in an ice cube tray and pop them into recipes for an instant flavor boost with little or no extra fat and calories.

Enjoy!

I am thankful...

I have been silent for a while now because it seems that I am tearing up more and more lately, and I truly don't wish to distress anyone.  Yet, the desire for a family is on the forefront of my mind.  (I am sure the hormones and injections don't really help either!)  So I apologize if you have been on the receiving end of one of my come aparts :-)  Paul has gotten the brunt of most of them and he has been so so sweet. 

Yesterday morning I awoke to a sweet email from my dear sister-in-law with great words of encouragement and faith that I so needed to hear.  She pointed me to a friends blog and I read through her story with tears streaming down my face. (as a side note, her story is a chicken soup for the soul with a great ending, so if you need a heartwarming story, especially if you are struggling with infertility this is a great read...lotsofscotts.blogspot.com.)  What struck me most profoundly was her faith and the gentle reminder that God has a plan for my life and that He WILL fulfill the desires of my heart. 

Psalm 37:4 (New International Version, ©2011)

4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I am so thankful!

Today's Project: Window Boxes for the living room!

Round Two update

The short story is that round two was not successful. No big reason why, other than these things take a few tries. In hindsight it was a little silly to expect it to work immediately. I guess having been trying for so long now that my patience is running thin. For the next couple of cycles we are going to continue with the femera/metformin drugs with timed intercourse. Dr Harper seems to think that I am doing great and should keep trying. The hardest part about this is not letting it completely overtake the rest of my life. And as much as I wish that I could remain aloof to it all, that just isn't realistic. So, please don't be offended when I can't make it to the party, forget to call, or simply spend the day nesting at home ignoring phone calls. Its nothing personal. I promise.

TWW

Well, its been two weeks (almost). EPT this morning came back negative...but until i start my period that really doesn't mean much. In the meantime, i have been nauseaus, exhausted, dizzy, and craving mac and cheese like nobodies business. I am going to feel pretty stupid if its all in my head! The emotional strain is exhausting. If i am not in fact pregnant it is so tempting to call it quits and head straight to DHR :-)

As the waiting game continues...Spring has sprung in Huntsville!

The daffodils are almost all gone, but they start peaking through the ground at the end of February and are a great reminder that Spring is near (as well as the end of tax season :-)

Granny B's daylilies look fantastic...just a few short weeks ago, this bed looked like a pile of dead leaves :-)  They should be spectacular this year!

I planted pansies in the fall and due to the harsh winter, i really didn't think they would make it!  However, they look spectacular right now!

Todays project:  get some plants into this front bed.  I have been weeding it for a year now, but it doesn't have anything in it!  I plan to take some of Granny B's garden phlox that is behind the cherry tree and put them out here to see if they do better.

This is either a lemon or lime tree.  I rarely put tags in my plants and then I forget what in the world I planted!  It smells amazing and can't wait to get it outdoors so it can really take off!

Peachtree is in full bloom.  I am going to call a tree service this week to care for it through the harvest!

Pimientos de Padron (little peppers from Spain - most of these will go to friends since I don't have any vegetable garden sun after the additon...let me know if you want one!)

Since I cannot do veggies in my yard anymore, I have turned to flowers!  My grow light is great therapy during the cold winter months, allowing me to get my garden started!