My 40th birthday has come and gone and I was hoping to be posting a version of Charlotte holding her baby doll with a cute caption like "Charlotte is going to be a great big sister!"
But sadly, sweet baby is in heaven with Jesus. I miscarried at 10 weeks gestation and baby was only measuring about 6 weeks.
When we first found out I was pregnant (on Mother's Day) we vaguely talked to the kids about whether they wanted a little brother or little sister. They both insisted on a little brother!
But I just never felt the presence of life like I did with Matthew and Charlotte. That intuition is amazing and terrifying. I was hoping I was just being dramatic and that everything would work out just fine. We would have another tax season baby come January. It was daunting to think of all of the logistics that three would entail but it was just as daunting when we had Matthew and then Charlotte 18 months later.
Now that the physical is over I am sad. For all of the possibility that new life holds but will never be realized. For not getting to watch you grow up. For not getting to watch daddy, Matthew and Charlotte fall in love with you. For all of the what ifs.
So here I am breaking the silence. We have talked about so many things online and miscarriage needs to be one of them. My doctor says she sees 1 out of every 3 pregnancies end. 1 out of 3. That is staggering.
It's been hard these last few days to know what to say when someone asks how I am doing. I have defaulted to "I am ok" but I am thinking about the sweet what ifs and so sad that our baby isn't still here with us.
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